A Broken Heart that Longs for You
by Pearl13121984
Summary: These are my reflections in daily life. I am not perfect and I had sinned yet I just can't let God go simply because He will not let me go.
1. Chapter 1

**WALK WITH YOU TODAY GOD**

So many things to distract

Too many unfunny jokes

People say that to live like You ask me is a foolishness

That I am just lying to myself like a woman trying to feel the warmth of her own reflection

Being a Christian dear God is easy

As long as you don't say the truth and think that nothing is wrong as long as it's consensual

You can believe your own truth dear Christian, they say

As long as you don't tell me what is wrong and right

I am my own law... this is my own life... who are you to judge me

I am a Christian

Yet still I feel loneliness, sadness, hate, and anger

People that I respect say that Christians should never feel that

And if I felt like that then I am not truly Christian

That to be Christian is to be prosper, rich, life fully in hapiness and miracles

So if I feel like that then I am not truly saved

Is it true God?

Will you not accept me if I am poor, sad, and lonely?

Does that mean I am not truly Your child?

Please accept this broken heart dear Lord

The heart that had repeatedly betrayed You

Doing things which make You cry

The heart that longs for You

Confuse between fully enjoying all the fake glory of sins

Often wondering whether it will be better to truly leave You

At least if I do so, I will no longer blame myself as a hypocrite

With my mind knowing the truth while had repeatedly betray You

I fight everyday my Lord

Not to click on things that offer sexual pleasures

Though often I had failed

And just soak in my sins

There are people who say I should not feel guilty

And I lie to myself that nothing is wrong since no one is hurt

Yet I am hurting myself

Creating a dangerous fantasy that separate me from reality

So God please don't turn me away

For my heart, as tainted as it is, really longs for you

Though everyday will be a battle

May You always be with me and You will give me victory in this war


	2. I know the Truth

**I know the Truth**

 **.**

Knowing the Truth is both my joy and my pain

Getting my heart breaks to see the injustice in this world

Hoping in the One who will make everything just and right

.

Loving and forgiving those who have abused me

God already love and forgive me even when I hate Him

.

I want Your Love but I don't want Your Law

Yet You are eternally Love because You are eternally Just

For Justice is Love for all

.

You ask for my sacrifice

You set the ultimate example

Love and Justice in the cross

.

How can a stained mortal ever be in the presence of Your Holy Glory

Peace my child, You say, for I have cleansed you

None are worthy but You make me worthy

.

Who am I, Dear Lord, without the Truth

A set of bones and flesh deemed to become dust in several decades

.

I have always wonder why so many stories I read are filled with despair and hollowness

Then I learned they are mostly made by people fighting to find the purpose of life

They indulge in all kind of pleasure, still they are not satiated

They feel loneliness so deep and trust no one and therefore they do not even dare to hope

.

They write about the joy of youth and the despair of old age

They see time as a passage to a tragic end

They say seize the day and be drunk with beauty and party

Because tommorow we will be ashes but today we are gods

.

So they live so much in despair that they seize the illusion of heaven

If in the way we hurt others, well we're sorry

but you see time is too short for me even to spare time to feel bad for you

Nothing personal, you're just a collateral damage in my quest to prolong my illusion

.

The Truth is hope

To be amazed by His providence every day

To know that every time I fall

Jesus is there to raise me up


	3. Not My Normal

**NOT MY NORMAL**

.

He came to me

He was my neighbor

He's gay

They we're a couple

.

He had left him

He was heartbroken

He wanted to talk with me

So I listened

.

I enjoy talking with him

About groceries and music

But never about his normal

Because it is just not my normal

.

I t's not that I didn't like him

I just couldn't deny what I believe

I am called to love him

But not to always agree with him

.

So I listened

As he cried and spoke

I did not really understand

Why he came to me

When he knew

That it's not my normal

.

I hugged him tight

I did not know what to say

Feeling a bit guilty

For not knowing what to say

.

I could not deny

That I would have react differently

If only he was a she

So I held him in silence

.

Thank you for listening

I know you're conflicted

But you're still there

.

I'm sorry, I said

What for?, he said

And again in silence

.

Then it was his turn to hug me tight

I will not force you, he whispered

To change what you believe

.

And then he left

I love him evenmore

Though his normal is not my normal


End file.
